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Today’s Agenda
Other People Are Not You
Good Morning!
Happy Monday, everyone. The boulder’s reset, and we’re on our way up.
This week we’re going to talk about the self in relationship; how our inner life shapes the way we see, judge, and connect with others. Most of what we’ve been talking about has been very internally focused. This week should give us a glimpse into how that inner world plays out with other people.
Today, to kick it off, we’re going to talk about our unspoken expectations of others with Epictetus. Burning that off, we’ll do a related thought exercise. Wrapping it up with our Book Nook, we’ll look at a quote from Epictetus’ Enchiridion.
Let’s set sail. Thought Breakfast is served!
Today’s Breakfast
The Illusion of Control
We’ve talked at length about Epictetus’ central message about the distinction between what’s in our control and what isn’t. That idea takes a deeper, more profound meaning when we cast it onto interpersonal relationships.
We naturally assume others should think and act like we do. We expect people to meet our standards, values, and reactions. This creates hidden expectations that we set for people. Frustration with people typically begins with these unspoken expectations we have of others.
Again, we look to Epictetus’ strict line between what is yours (judgment, choice, action) and what is not (other people, outcomes, opinions). Other people’s behavior falls entirely outside of your sphere of control. Conflict among people begins when we try to control what isn’t ours to control, and never was.
In any situation, when reality doesn’t match expectation, frustration sets in. We try to correct others instead of adjusting our expectations. That leads to resentment, tension, and repeated conflict. In relationships, suffering often comes from expecting control over others.
So what do we do? Let them be. Letting people be doesn’t mean granting your approval, but recognizing your limits of control. You can still choose how to respond, how to change, and whether to stay or step back. Peace, then, comes from clarity about what is yours and what is not.
Burn Those Thought Calories
The Expectation Check
Ask yourself:
Where am I expecting someone to act differently than they are?
What part of this situation is actually within my control?
What would change if I stopped trying to control their behavior?
Book Nook
“Some things are in our control and others are not.”
— Epictetus, Enchiridion
Epictetus separates what is ours and what isn’t. Where it gets tough is applying that principle to emotional situations. Other people (even those closest to us) fall outside of our control. Expectations create unnecessary frustration. Peace, then, comes from adjusting expectations, not controlling others.
Munch on that for today. Ask yourself if you’re really frustrated with reality or just with your expectations of it. Have a great day, and come back tomorrow for another steaming hot plate of Thought Breakfast!
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That’s it for today.
Remember to stay mindful, smell the flowers, and take it easy.
Chef Ricky - Thought Breakfast
