Good morning hungry minds! Happy Hump Day! You’re halfway to the weekend and you’re doing great. Let’s have a look at what the Chef’s cooking up.

For our main course today, we’re going deep into the theme we’ve been covering this week. Monday was about discovering Augustine’s “not yet” prayer. Yesterday we went over accepting of the divided will as a natural human response. Today, we’ll be munching on why this notion of “not yet” feels so good. On the side, we’ll deviate a little bit and burn some of those thought calories with a thought exercise concerning the Paradox of Moral Responsibility. For dessert, we’ll bring it back to Augustine’s Confessions, where he makes his next important realization under a fig tree. I’m starving, so let’s dig in! Thought Breakfast is served!

Today we’re going to be diving into why “not yet” felt good for Augustine at the time, and why it feels so good for us. We’re basically going to be taking Augustine’s internal crisis and looking at it under a microscope. He thought he was weak, but neuroscience is saying he was normal.

St. Augustine didn’t procrastinate on willing the good because he was evil. It was actually just because he had a human brain. The American neuroscientist Robert Sapolsky was able to highlight the chemical phenomenon behind this; the dopamine cycle. By doing experiments with monkeys, Sapolsky was able to highlight that dopamine is not about pleasure itself, but the anticipation and pursuit of reward. We don’t chase pleasure, we chase anticipation. So saying “I’ll start tomorrow” actually hits the reward system in your brain harder than actually starting. This goes perfectly with Monday’s psychological phenomenon of temporal discounting. Discipline in the future feels like someone else’s responsibility, because we are in the here and now.

This is what sparks the chemical reaction in your brain; anticipation releases more dopamine than action. Next comes what we covered yesterday, the cognitive dissonance. Once we set an intention, receive dopamine for setting the intention, and fail to act… we go through a process of self-justification (cognitive dissonance reduction). You want to be a good person, but your actions aren’t making sense with that goal, so you begin to find morally acceptable excuses to explain your avoidance. “I’m too busy right now,” “I don’t feel good enough today,” or even “I haven’t had my coffee yet” are all things that we say to ourselves to ease our will that craves discipline and growth. Augustine’s “Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet” is the ancient wording of today’s “I’ll pick up this book… right after this next episode.”

Augustine knew what was right. He intellectually desired what was truly good, but he was emotionally attached to his habits. He chose predictability over transformation. This is the ancient pleasure trap; familiar misery feels safer than unfamiliar freedom. Knowledge of this on a spiritual and scientific level brings us to the breaking point.

Augustine, after his staggering realization, had a nervous breakthrough under a fig tree (more on that in Book Nook). His breakthrough was the point where pleasure loses its attractiveness. Where dopamine could no longer bribe him. When he realizes the excuses sound childish and the cost of staying the same is higher than the cost of change.

Psychology calls this threshold activation. Augustine called it grace. The modern world calls it rock bottom. Whichever way you want to put it, it is essentially the same moment: when staying complacent hurts you more than taking action. This is the doorway between division and unity.

Augustine doesn’t unify himself by simply trying harder. He unifies his will when he stops tolerating his own division. You don’t break bad habits, you outgrow the self that needs them. So we know that we have this instinct to hesitate in front of growth, we know why we have that instinct, and now we know where the line is drawn and real transformation can begin.

We are shaped by forces we didn’t choose, yet we’re still held responsible for our actions.

This is a very interesting one and naturally raises the question of determinism vs. free will. This paradox connects very closely with our theme of Augustine’s troubles. Our impulses, desires, and early habits arise without our permission. I’m sure you didn’t negotiate with God on how He would wire your dopamine receptors. Regardless, you’re still responsible for your actions despite having chemical processes guiding your will.

This is why we’re looking to Augustine in one of his most human moments. By working this all out himself, he’s actively purifying his free will. Perhaps determinism is the default mode. Maybe you’re born with a set of genetics, neurological wiring, and environmental influences so that you can simply function. Recognition doesn’t erase determinism; it creates a space where free will can emerge. Once this recognition occurs, you can no longer say you’re not choosing, because now you’re choosing how to relate to the very forces that once determined you. If we aren’t born into free will, we definitely have the capacity to come into it.

We are not responsible for what shaped us, but once we recognize what shapes us, responsibility begins.

Today we’re heading back to Confessions; not to analyze Augustine, but to sit with him in one of the rawest moments of his life.

Like the Buddha, Augustine had his epiphany under a tree. More deliciously, it was a fig tree. Let’s see what he said:

“I flung myself down, how, I do not know, under a certain fig tree, giving full vent to my tears. The torrents of my eyes gushed out an acceptable sacrifice to You. And I cried out to You: “How long, O Lord? How long, Lord? Will You be angry forever? Oh, remember not our former iniquities.”

“And suddenly I heard a voice from a nearby house, a boy or girl, I do not know, chanting and repeating over and over: ‘take and read, take and read.’ I checked the rush of tears and stood up, interpreting this as a divine command to open the book of Scripture.” - St. Augustine, Confessions VIII.12.28-29

That first paragraph is Augustine hitting spiritual rock bottom in real time. He cries out to God, begging to be delivered from his divided will into unification with the will of God. The second paragraph is the activation itself; the moment where Augustine’s “not yet” becomes “screw it, now.” His breaking point was that dopamine hitting its limit; anticipation couldn’t bribe him anymore. His cry to God was his cognitive dissonance falling apart in front of him. Then his “take and read” epiphany is what psychology would call his threshold activation.

Everyone has a fig tree; an enlightened moment where your excuses lose their validity. Augustine wasn’t enlightened by force. He simply felt the pain of his divided will for long enough that he finally refused to tolerate it. You’ve probably experienced a moment like this, while still waiting for another for a different purpose.

Munch on that for today. My thought belly is so full I can barely stand up straight. Tomorrow, we’ll dive into Augustine’s action. We’ll see where he goes and what he does after this spectacular conversion. Have a great day and try to find your fig tree.

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Remember to stay mindful, smell the flowers, and take it easy.

Chef Ricky - Thought Breakfast

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